Sadly, not a Tom Cruise-owned feudal-Japanese place. Teppanyaki, not tyranny. Hibachi restaurants are funny—where else is shrimp-down-the-blouse considered not only not a felony, but an agreeable part of the dining spectacle? And spectacle is what Last Samurai does best—sizzling, dicing, shouting, dancing, flying Benihana-on-crystal-meth spectacle. Alternately titled, “Holy Onion Volcano,...